Attack of the Evil Morris Dancers!
by Darkness7
Summary: Umm...well...this was an entry for a bad fanfic competition somewhere else, and I decided to post it here for the Hell of it! Please, feel free to comment.


Attack of the Evil Morris Dancers!  
  
Author's Note: Umm.I don't really know why I did this. Maybe I sniffed something I shouldn't have.or maybe somebody spiked my drink. I don't know! Personally I blame Terry Prachett. I'm certain he's involved somehow.  
  
He always is.  
  
Enough stalling! Let the unusual and stupid fic begin!  
  
  
  
The Morris Dance.  
  
A most disturbing tradition.  
  
It is performed under cobalt skies to celebrate the quickening of the soil, aswell as under the brilliant night sky at the beginning of the springtime, as it is hoped that the ground will thaw and planting can begin.  
  
Bearded young scholars (many of whom, were probably black-mailed into doing it) dance it innocently enough to a usually pathetic rendition of "Mrs Widgery's Lodger" by some old lady with an accordion.  
  
But it has never been performed correctly.  
  
And it must never be.  
  
For to do so would bring about the end of the three races.  
  
But there are always those who desire such things. Those, in this world, who dance the Morris dance, making constant shifts and alterations to the dance steps, constantly searching for the right way to perform the ritual.  
  
This tale is about such people. Those, who seek to destroy not just the three races, but also the Universe itself.  
  
With the awesome destructive power of the true Morris dance.  
  
They are, "The Secret Order Of The Society Of The Evil Morris Dancers Who Seek To Destroy The Universe."  
  
Or the "T.S.O.O.T.S.O.T.E.M.D.W.S.T.D.T.U", for short.  
  
And now.the tale.  
  
*****  
  
An unknown location in Yorkshire, England  
  
Five figures sat around a wooden table in an attic. All were smoking cigarettes while whispering quietly to each other, wondering why the chairman of their most secret order had called a sudden meeting.  
  
On the table sat a dozen or so copies of "Morris Dancer Monthly" (don't scoff, this is an actual magazine!), "Which Bar?", "Private Eye", and of course "Playboy".  
  
The occupants of the five filled chairs at the meeting continued whispering or fighting over the latest "Playboy" magazine until they heard the sound of a door slam downstairs, followed by hushed whispering, which was in turn followed by the thudding of heavy feet on a wooden staircase.  
  
They all reached silently inside their heavy coats as the trapdoor to the attic swung upwards and a rather fat man, with a huge black beard, a deerstalker hat, dark brown eyes, a double chin, and a heavy brown raincoat, water-proof boots and heavy corded brown trousers appeared, grinning at them all.  
  
"Hello lads!" he said, in a very irritating Yorkshire accent.  
  
"Hello Big Harry!" replied the five seated figures in unison.  
  
"Sorry to drag you all away from your homes and places of work," began Big Harry. "But I have finally-"  
  
"Excuse me!" said a figure suddenly at the table.  
  
"Yes Robert?" asked Harry in an irritated fashion.  
  
"You haven't started the meeting properly."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You haven't called for the minutes of the last meeting."  
  
"That was four hours ago!"  
  
"So? You still have to follow protocol."  
  
"No I don't! I'm the bloody head of this secret society! So shut up!" snapped Big Harry. He looked around at the assembled party coldly, as if daring anyone to speak against him. When none did, he continued.  
  
"As I was saying.prior to the interruption," began Big Harry. "I have finally found what our most evil order has been searching for."  
  
Silence invaded the room as the five other leading members of the society stared at Big Harry, taking in this fantastic, yet very terrible news.  
  
"You.you mean-" started Angry Joe.  
  
"Yes!" exclaimed Big Harry. "I finally know where "Satan's Guide to the Morris Dance" is!"  
  
As if on cue, there was a rather dramatic clap of thunder and a flash of lightning from outside as the five other leaders of the order fell to their knees on hearing the name of their most evil master.  
  
After several seconds, they rose and filed over to where their leader stood, grinning maniacally.  
  
"Where is it Harry?" asked Odd Ron.  
  
"Apparently it has left the continent," said their leader. "Our most hallowed book.that which shall help us destroy the universe, is now in that most fowl and loathsome of lands."  
  
"Canada?" asked Daft Paul.  
  
Angry Joe slapped him across the back of the head. "Don't be stupid!" he snapped angrily as Paul grabbed the back of his head and winced in pain. He turned his attention back to Big Harry who nodded to him in thanks.  
  
"Actually," continued Harry. "It's in New York City."  
  
There was a collective shiver as all present thought of that accursed place.  
  
They'd all seen those dirty shows about life in New York.  
  
All that debauchery, all that crime. The streets lined with prostitutes, drug dealers and raving hobos. Endless strip clubs where booze, drugs and babes were as easy to get hold of there as a steak and kidney pie was on their side of the Atlantic.  
  
Suddenly they all perked up.  
  
"When do we leave?" asked Robert, the very evil, who now sounded very eager to get going. He was also the very single, due to the fact his face looked like it had been in a fight with a lawnmower, and lost.  
  
"Now, now Robert!" said Thin John ("Thin" being a rather ironic name as he was the fattest person present), "Shouldn't we find out where in New York the book is?"  
  
"Who cares? I want some action!" yelped Robert, now jumping up and down in desperation.  
  
Angry Joe slapped him across the back of the head. "Shut up you fool! Can't you control your hormones for five minutes?" he exclaimed, threatening to hit Robert again when he gave him a dirty look.  
  
Robert quickly darted behind "Thin" John, putting the huge man between Joe and himself.  
  
There was an annoyed cough and Joe and Robert turned their attention back to Harry, who was now quite close to snapping.  
  
"As I was saying," he said, glaring daggers at both Robert and Paul. "The book which our dark and evil order has sought from it's founding.that most evil of books which shall complete our grand and most heinous work.the book, which shall show us how to destroy the universe," he paused just as he was about to reveal the location, hoping to increase the dramatic effect, but only getting irritated glares from his five companions. Undeterred, he proceeded.  
  
"The book is in."  
  
  
  
The Eerie building, Xanatos' personal Museum of Weird and Magical Artefacts  
  
  
  
  
  
"Hey Owen!" said Lexington, as he examined a battered old book in a green leather cover that lay in one of the many glass cases housing various artefacts.  
  
Xanatos' major domo paused as he was about to leave the room and turned back to look at the olive green gargoyle.  
  
"What is it?" he asked in his usual monotone voice.  
  
"What's this?" asked Lexington, pointing to the green book.  
  
Owen strode over quickly and examined it.  
  
"It is "Satan's Guide to the Morris Dance," he said after a moment's examination. "It is said that who so ever can perform the Dark Prince's version of the dance will open a rift in reality which will spread, destroying everything until eventually the entire universe is consumed and wiped out."  
  
Lex stared at him oddly. "Are you serious?"  
  
Owen shrugged, "that's what the blurb inside says anyway."  
  
Lex glanced from Owen to the book and back again. "Why did Xanatos get it?"  
  
"We found it stuck to the bottom of the Cauldron of Life by some chewing gum," replied Owen, his monotone now laced slightly with irritation. "If that's all Lexington I will go now. I have to escort Mrs. Xanatos and Alexander while they go on vacation to that resort in Hawaii that allows nude bathing."  
  
With that, he turned and left Lexington to his own thoughts, a dirty smile spreading across his face as he hurried to get his video camera from his room.  
  
Porno was in the air.  
  
  
  
Back in Yorkshire, about ten minutes later  
  
"So we're agreed then," said Big Harry. The other leaders of the society all nodded, all had taken their places at the table again, with Big Harry sitting at the head.  
  
"Good."  
  
Harry turned his attention to Angry Joe, head of the militant wing of the order.  
  
"Can your men pull this off without a hitch Joe?" he asked.  
  
Joe nodded confidently as he pulled out a mobile phone, "no problem boss."  
  
He dialled a number while Harry sent out Daft Paul and "Thin" John to get the plane tickets to New York.  
  
  
  
An island in the North Sea, exact location unknown  
  
The telephone rang four times before someone picked it up.  
  
"Yes?" asked a gruff voice.  
  
There was several minutes of excited screaming on the other side of the line.  
  
"Yes sir.I understand sir.we'll be in New York in a matter of hours." Said the voice, before slamming the phone down for effect.  
  
"Who was that Stan?" asked a voice from behind the man who answered the phone.  
  
Stanley the Gruff, leader of the S.T.O.O.T.S.O.T.E.M.D.W.S.T.D.T.U's combat unit, turned his attention to the door of his miniminalist office, decorated with only a chair, a table and a phone, and looked calmly on his second-in-command, "Gung-Ho" Harold.  
  
"This is it Harold," he said, "orders from the top. We've been activated."  
  
Harold grinned evilly. "Shall I alert the others?"  
  
"Yes.alert the others.tell them.we're going to New York."  
  
"Gung-Ho" Harold nodded excitedly, as he ran out the door to assemble the entire militant wing, "Paranoid" Bill and "Russian Roulette" Ben.  
  
  
  
Top of the Eerie building, about noon the next day  
  
David Xanatos gazed out at the sea of steel and concrete below him that was New York City and sighed contently.  
  
The view he had from up here was incredible.  
  
He stood near the statues of Goliath and his clan, near the parapets, admiring the view, when he suddenly he heard the faint sound of the thwop, thwop, thwop-ing of a helicopter motor approaching very quickly.  
  
With in seconds it had become quite loud, drowning out the sound of the light breeze.  
  
Xanatos looked up and raised an eyebrow in confusion.  
  
"Just what the Hell is going on?"  
  
There was a helicopter from the local news network heading towards the castle, its course erratic, as if the pilot was on drugs or something.  
  
Xanatos watched in growing worry as the helicopter, dipping and rising in mid-air, headed towards the castle, rising above it, barely avoiding a head on collision with the fortified castle walls, eventually stopping, hovering just about twenty feet above him.  
  
The main panel door slid open, a rope ladder was thrown out, followed very closely by man, who leapt out, screaming a very high-pitch battle cry.  
  
"DIEEEEEEEEEE (THWACK) BOLLOCKS!" screamed the man, who for some reason Xanatos just couldn't comprehend, was wearing a Morris Dancer's uniform.  
  
He had landed hard on his feet and it looked as if he had broken his ankles.  
  
Xanatos stood watching the man roll around on the ground, clutching his ankles and screaming for his mother, silently debating with himself whether he should call an ambulance for this weirdo or go get a gun and put him out of his misery.  
  
As he did so, two other men descended on him, this time using the rope ladder. One rushed to their fallen companion's aid while the other ran up to face Xanatos.  
  
Both were also dressed in Morris Dancing outfits.  
  
-Well this is.different,- thought the multi-billionaire to himself as he looked over the man that was approaching him.  
  
-I never been invaded by people dressed like.that.-  
  
"David Xanatos?" asked the man facing Xanatos in a very gruff voice.  
  
"Yes," replied Xanatos after a moment, "what can I do for you? Apart from call an ambulance for your friend?"  
  
The multi-billionaire's eyes almost blew out of his head when Stan the gruff kicked him, hard, in the well.uh.you know. His legs gave out and he gritted his teeth, while at the same time fighting tears from the explosion of pain he felt down below.  
  
Stan was wearing steel-tipped hiking boots.  
  
Xanatos looked up just in time to see Stan raise his foot to kick him in the head.  
  
His last thought before the bottom of Stan's boot hit his face was whether or not the white stuff on the shoe that stank was bird shit or not.  
  
*****  
  
Stan the gruff grinned to himself as Xanatos flopped onto his back unconscious, his face covered by both blood leaking from his broken nose and white coloured shit from his boot.  
  
He had just pulled off the most violent act in his order's history since the mass shin-kicking incident of 1897.  
  
"Uh.Gruff?"  
  
Stan turned to face "Paranoid" Bill, whom had "Gung-Ho" Harold slung over his shoulder.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Something ain't right here Gruff," said Bill, looking at the statues of gargoyles warily. "Something.unnatural."  
  
Stan rolled his eyes before telling Bill to shut up and stop being so stupid. They dumped Harold on the ground and ran inside to find the item they sought.  
  
After about half an hour, they found "Satan's Guide to the Morris Dance", grabbed "Gung-Ho" Harold, and made good their escape on the stolen helicopter that "Russian Roulette" Ben was piloting.  
  
Super Secret hiding place of the Bad Guys, about twenty minutes before sunset  
  
Very evil and maniacal laughter echoed around the hall as Big Harry held the green leather bound book in his hands before him. The other members of the order, (minus "Gung-Ho" Harold, who was in hospital along with "Paranoid" Bill, who had decided to stay with him, as he didn't trust the doctors) gathered around him excitedly.  
  
"Finally my most evil brothers!" yelled Harry over some excited chatter.  
  
The entire order had been assembled.  
  
Fourteen strong, bearded, heavy drinking and even heavier smoking men, all united in their common desire.  
  
To destroy the universe.  
  
"And now my brothers!" roared Big Harry, "we shall begin the dance that will destroy the universe!"  
  
He threw his head back and laughed. After a second's hesitation, the rest of his evil order joined him.  
  
"Make the preparations!" yelled Harry, as his order quickly began to scurry around, grabbing strange little green hats and sand coloured shorts.  
  
  
  
The Eerie building, sunset  
  
As one the stone gargoyles of Clan Wyvern broke from their stone casings, throwing their heads back and roaring into the night.  
  
They turned and saw Xanatos standing before them, dressed in his red gargoyle exo-suit, he had his helmet tucked under his arm and had a brace and a lot of bandages over his nose. He didn't look very pleased.  
  
"What happened to you?" asked Broadway after a moment of uneasy silence.  
  
"Follow me. I'll explain on the way," said Xanatos, dawning his helmet and igniting the built in jet pack on his exo-suit's back. The clan looked to Goliath for guidance. The huge lavender gargoyle simply shrugged and leapt off the parapets to follow the multi-billionaire.  
  
  
  
  
  
Couple of Minutes later  
  
"So these weirdoes dressed in silly outfits kicked you in the balls, broke your nose, and then made off with some weird book," said Broadway as the group glided over the city.  
  
"Yes," replied Xanatos as he led the clan Northwards. "It turns out that "Satan's Guide to the Morris Dance" can in fact, destroy the universe. Apparently it was supposed to be given to a very evil Wizard so he could hold the world to ransom several thousand years ago but the demon carrying it to him stopped over in England, got drunk, and handed it to a party of travelling broom salesmen. Who travelled far and wide, reading misinterpreted passages and that's how that stupid yokel dance got started."  
  
"Okay," said Brooklyn. "I'm just gonna go home and leave the weirdness to you guys and watch those videos of Fox in Owen's room."  
  
"Get yer tail back in formation!" yelled Hudson. "If I have to miss the 'James Bond' marathon then there's notta chance in Hell of you going back an watchin that little skank reliving her 'Playboy' days."  
  
"Wanna watch em with me?"  
  
A huge grin formed across Hudson's lips before he noticed the glare Xanatos was giving them both.  
  
"Ah.ach ye disgusting wee porno loving bastard! How dare ye!" he yelled rather unconvincingly. "I dinne go in for that sort of dirty trash!"  
  
"Hey don't get all righteous with me you old fart! I saw you watching 'Inside Pauline's Ass' two nights ago!"  
  
"Enough! Both of you!" boomed Goliath, staring down both Brooklyn and Hudson who looked the other way. He turned his head back before adding, under his breath, "and it was Lydia's ass, not Pauline's."  
  
"Hey Xanatos," asked Lexington.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"How do you know where these guys are anyway?"  
  
"Simple," replied the multibillionaire. "While at the hospital getting my nose repaired I had the shit on my face analysed. It comes from a certain bat, which is kept at the zoo. So that's where their hideout must be."  
  
Lex stared at him for quite some time. "Somebody put shit on your face? That's sick!"  
  
"Yeah I know," grumbled Xanatos. "It didn't taste very nice either."  
  
  
  
Bad Guys' Headquarters, in the Zoo  
  
"So that's why the dance never worked before!" yelled Big Harry.  
  
"Why not?" asked Daft Paul. Both were standing off to the side of the commotion as the other members of their really evil order dawned their Morris Dancing uniforms or got drunk as they celebrated the fact that they were finally going to destroy the universe.  
  
"It's the uniforms!"  
  
"Is it?"  
  
"Yes! We've got the dance steps right but we just haven't been using the proper ceremonial garbs!"  
  
"Then what are the proper ceremonial garbs Big Harry?"  
  
Harry showed him the picture in the book showing the proper garbs for any Morris dancer who wanted to destroy the universe.  
  
Daft Paul stared at the page for quite some time.  
  
"Uh.Harry?"  
  
"Yes Paul?"  
  
"I'm not wearing that."  
  
"Oh yes you bloody well are!" roared Harry. "The six leaders of our most evil order have to wear this in order to destroy the universe!"  
  
"But I don't want to go around dressed like that! It's stupid!" wailed Paul. "No one in their right mind would go around dressed like that!"  
  
"We're Morris Dancers for Hell's sake Paul! We don't have a right mind!"  
  
"But."  
  
"NO! NO MORE GUFF YOU HEAR ME? YOU ARE WEARING THAT THING JUST LIKE THE REST OF US! YOU HEAR ME?"  
  
"Yes Harry."  
  
"Good," said Harry. "I won't take no shit from anybody. I'm the boss remember? And I blackmailed my way to this position fair and square understand?"  
  
"Yes Harry."  
  
"Good, now go to the costume shop I saw down the road and get the costumes we need to perform the ceremony."  
  
"Yes Harry," said Daft Paul as he headed for the door.  
  
"And take 'Thin' John and Robert with you!"  
  
"Yes Harry."  
  
  
  
An Hour and a half later, above the Zoo storerooms where the Bad Guys are  
  
"Well Lex do you hear anything?" asked Angela.  
  
Lexington had his ear pressed to the corrugated iron roof while the others stood around him, looking at the darkened cages in the distance.  
  
"I think somebody's playing an accordion in there," replied the olive green gargoyle as he rose. "I think I heard bells clinking as well."  
  
"Then they've started!" yelled Xanatos as the laser on the right arm of his exo-suit powered up. "We've no time to waste! Stand aside!"  
  
Lex jumped aside as Xanatos fired at the roof, melting a huge hole in it before jumping down into it, followed closely by Goliath and his clan.  
  
No sooner than they had landed on the floor than they saw the bad guys.  
  
They were all standing around in a circle; one was sitting on a wooden stool, playing some awful music on an accordion while seven others were clapping their hands in time to the awful garbage.  
  
These eight were all wearing Morris dancing outfits, the shorts, the hats, and those silly looking shirts that seem to make you think of Austrian Yodellers, as well as the bells tied on handkerchiefs around their knees and ankles.  
  
But they were watching six others dancing, and what they were wearing made the Morris Dancing uniforms look epitome of cool.  
  
"Xanatos," said Brooklyn slowly as they observed the six fat, old men dancing around in a circle. "Why are they wearing pink tutus?"  
  
"It.must be necessary to complete the ceremony," replied Xanatos uncertainly.  
  
"Are you sure they're not just insane?" asked Lex.  
  
"That too probably."  
  
It was then that one of the men in the Morris Dancer's uniforms turned his head and saw the clan.  
  
"Brothers!" he screamed. "We are invaded! To arms! To arms!"  
  
An instant later he had whipped out a long handkerchief from his belt with a bell attached and began spinning it in an arc with unnerving skill. His six brothers who weren't occupied dancing or playing the accordian followed suit, whipping out four foot long hankeys with gold or steel bells attached while the gargoyles and Xanatos stared at them dumbly.  
  
"CHARGE!" screamed the deranged Morris Dancer. "FOR THE GLORY OF SATAN!"  
  
His brothers joined the call and charged the gargoyles and the heavily armed multi-billionaire.  
  
"NOTHING CAN STOP US BROTHERS! NOTHING!!!!!"  
  
34 seconds later  
  
"Well that was easy," said Broadway as he observed the seven unconscious Morris Dancers.  
  
The others nodded in agreement and turned their attention to the six men dancing around in a circle, wearing tutus, with bells attached by handkerchiefs to their knees and elbows while flapping more hankeys in their hands.  
  
"Quick Stan!" yelled a particularly fat man with an odd Yorkshire accent to the guy playing the accordian. "Play faster!"  
  
The man with and oddly gruff appearance nodded and started playing the accordian at breakneck speed as the dancers sped up their prancing.  
  
"Wait a second!" yelled Xanatos, pointing to the accordian player. "I know that guy! He kicked me in the nuts!"  
  
Stan the Gruff looked up and grinned at him evilly. "Yeah that's right. Whadda ye gonna do about it? You daft pussy man!"  
  
Xanatos roared a battle cry at the top of his voice while the jump pack attached to his exo-suit flared into life. "I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO YOU STUPID LIMEY BASTARD!"  
  
In an explosion of fire Xanatos was lifted into the air before he dived straight at the head of the militant wing of the S.T.O.O.T.S.O.T.E.M.D.W.S.T.D.T.U.  
  
"DIE!"  
  
Stan dropped the accordian before he dived under the enraged billionaire's charge before he rolled to his feet, whipping out two bells attached to hankeys. Xanatos, meanwhile yelled something very nasty involving a lack of brakes before he crashed through the wall.  
  
"Hold them off Stan!" yelled Big Harry. "A few more seconds and the universe is doomed!"  
  
Stan charged the gargoyles, yelling something incomprehensible before he hit Angela across the face, sending her flying as he kicked Goliath in the crotch with his steel tipped hiking boots.  
  
As the lavender giant grabbed his ruined testicles, screaming in agony and falling to his knees, Stan did a somersault over a mad charge by Bronx, who crashed right into Brooklyn, sending them both sprawling into several conveniently stacked crates, while delivering a fantastically placed bell swing to Lexington's jaw mid-air, knocking him out completely.  
  
Hudson slashed at him with his sword in a downward arc, but the extremely dangerous Morris Dancer sidestepped the attack, spun around until he faced Hudson's exposed back, and stamped on his tail.  
  
"ACH! ME TAIL! YE HATEFUL WEE ENGLISH BASTARD!" roared the old gargoyle before Stan hit him across the back of the head, with both bells, as hard as he could, knocking him cold.  
  
"YES!" yelled Stan, doing a funny little dance in celebration of his victory. "I AM THAT DAMN GOOD!"  
  
"Look out Stan!" yelled Angry Joe.  
  
Stan turned his head around just in time to see an aquamarine fist hurtle towards his face.  
  
"Whoops."  
  
Stan rose almost eight feet into the air before he crashed into an awful lot of crates on the other side of the storehouse.  
  
Broadway shook his head in disgust as he turned to face the rest of the deranged Morris Men.  
  
They'd stopped dancing.  
  
"You're too late fatty!" yelled Angry Joe triumphantly as he jumped up and down. "We've finished the dance! The universe doomed!"  
  
The six men in pink tutus laughed hysterically as Broadway approached them.  
  
"Just why the Hell do you people want to destroy the universe anyway?" he asked.  
  
"Simple," replied Big Harry. "We.ah.we."  
  
He turned to "Thin" John. "Exactly why do we want to destroy the universe John?"  
  
"Tradition," replied John immediately.  
  
"Ah yes. That's right. Tradition." Harry turned his attention back to the rotund gargoyle, smiling. "Tradition."  
  
"What tradition? What the Hell are you people talking about?" yelled Broadway.  
  
"It so simple that even a creature as idiotic as yourself should understand," said Harry patiently. "For uncounted millennia. Mankind has sought one thing and one thing only.the end of the universe."  
  
"No he hasn't!"  
  
"Hey don't talk back to our leader like that fatty!" yelled "Thin" John.  
  
"Who are you calling 'fatty' Saddlebags?"  
  
"Thin" John, screaming bloody murder, threw himself at Broadway in total rage as the aquamarine gargoyle drew his fist back and gave John a punch right to the kisser, sending the disturbingly obese man flying back into his comrades, landing on top of Angry Joe, Big Harry, Robert the very evil and Odd Ron, crushing them all to unconsciousness.  
  
Broadway turned his attention to the one remaining member of the S.T.O.O.T.S.O.T.E.M.D.W.S.T.D.T.U.  
  
"Well?" said the rotund gargoyle.  
  
"Well what?"  
  
"Why the Hell isn't the universe ending you daft twat?" yelled Broadway.  
  
"But it is," replied Daft Paul, backing off in terror while pointing to the floor, to the centre of the circle the Morris Dancers had been dancing in.  
  
Broadway looked down to where the very stupid and scared man was pointing and his jaw dropped.  
  
There was a hole in the floor, quite small, but it was very slowly growing. All he could see on the other side of the hole utter Darkness.  
  
"Uh oh."  
  
He grabbed Paul by the scruff of his neck and started shaking him madly.  
  
"HOW DO WE STOP THIS?"  
  
"Stop shaking me! It's making me dizzy!"  
  
"HOW DO WE STOP THIS YOU BLOODY IDIOT?"  
  
"Okay okay!" screamed Paul in terror. "I'll tell you!"  
  
And true to his word, he told him.  
  
"You can't be serious," said Broadway, putting him down. "We have to do.that?"  
  
"It's the only way," said Paul. "Now that I think about it.I'm not that sure I want to destroy the universe."  
  
"BIT BLOODY LATE NOW TO BE HAVING REGRETS ISN'T IT?"  
  
"I'm sorry," said Paul, collapsing on his rump and suddenly crying like a child.  
  
Broadway, looked awkwardly around as the strange little man started bawling.  
  
"We're all gonna die!"  
  
Broadway looked at the hole.  
  
It was about a foot in diameter now, and he could hear a strange sucking sound coming from it as the ground began to shake slightly.  
  
He looked over at his clan and yelled happily.  
  
They were waking up!  
  
"GUYS!" he yelled as he ran over to them. "We can still save the universe! All we have to do is this!"  
  
He told them.  
  
"No!" screamed Brooklyn and Lex simultaneously. "There is no way in Hell we're gonna do that!"  
  
"We have no choice," grumbled Goliath, still clutching his swelling testicles. "We must do this.to save the universe from destruction."  
  
  
  
Five minutes later  
  
Xanatos rubbed his bare head as he stumbled back towards the bad guys' hideout, grumbling about the helmet that he'd jammed in between the bars of the Tiger's cage.  
  
As he approached, he heard the faint sound of accordian music on the air.  
  
They hadn't finished! He still had time to save the universe!  
  
He picked up pace, now running as fast as he could in his heavy exo-suit.  
  
As he reached the giant hole he had made from his accidental exit, he stopped dead in his tracks, as he saw what was going on inside.  
  
If this was a cartoon his jaw would have crashed through the ground and come out the other side of the Earth's crust.  
  
There was a man, one of the evil Morris Dancers, now in his underwear, playing the accordian with terribly while.  
  
.six gargoyles, all looking incredibly embarrassed, were dancing in the opposite direction that the others had been dancing previously.  
  
But it wasn't the fact that they were doing a Morris Dance backwards that was making them look so awkward.  
  
It was what they were wearing.  
  
Bells.attached to their knees and elbows and.  
  
.and.  
  
.pink tutus!  
  
They were dressed in pink tutus while doing a backwards Morris Dance!  
  
Can you just picture that? Lord knows I can.  
  
And it ain't pretty.  
  
"Oh my God they've all lost their minds."  
  
As Xanatos approached the six obviously demented gargoyles, he noticed there was a very black hole in the centre of the ground that they were dancing around.  
  
It grew smaller and smaller until it vanished completely, with an odd sucking sound you might associate with a kitchen sink.  
  
The gargoyles' all sagged in visible relief until they noticed that Xanatos was standing several feet away from them, staring at them all as if they'd grown extra heads in awkward places.  
  
"Xanatos!" yelled Goliath, looking down at the tight fitting pink tutu he was wearing. "We had to.ah.these were necessary to reverse the ceremony those madmen had used to destroy the universe."  
  
"Yeah.right."  
  
"No really!" yelled Brooklyn desperately. "Do you think I wanted to wear this? I have an image to maintain!"  
  
"Ach I don't know lads," said Hudson as he swung his hips from side to side experimentally. "This isn't all that bad."  
  
He looked up innocently as the party stared at him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Hudson," said Lexington slowly. "Shut up.sicko."  
  
"You're never going to let us live this down are you?" asked Broadway.  
  
Xanatos grinned evilly while shaking his head at the same time. "Never."  
  
"Isn't there anything we can do to prove to you that the five of us are real men?" asked Goliath desperately.  
  
"I've got an idea!" said Brooklyn.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Lets all get some beers and watch those videos Owen has of Fox in his room!"  
  
Angela rolled here eyes as the others all cheered and ran out of the store house, their loincloths forgotten in their haste to watch Fox perform acrobatic feats nude.  
  
Xanatos looked over at Angela. "What are they talking about?"  
  
"Uh.the Fox Network," said Angela quickly, before running as fast as she could out the door before he could ask any more questions.  
  
"Uh excuse me?"  
  
Xanatos looked around to the man in his underwear.  
  
"Why are you in your underwear?" asked the multi-billionaire.  
  
"The big purple one said he liked my tutu best," replied the man, who looked particularly stupid. "CanI go home now?"  
  
"Sure," said Xanatos, waving a hand dismissivly as he walked through the hole he'd made. "Just promise not to be evil anymore."  
  
"I promise!" yelled Daft Paul as Xanatos exited the storeroom.  
  
Paul quickly pulled his other Morris Dancer uniform and headed for the door but stopped when he noticed a thin, green leather bound book lying on the floor.  
  
He picked up "Satan's Guide to the Morris Dance" while a supremely evil grin formed across his lips.  
  
"Now I am the head of the order," he said quietly to himself.  
  
He threw his head back and laughed evilly as he walked out of the zoo, out of the gates, across the streets.  
  
And right into the path of a truck.  
  
  
  
The End?  
  
I bloody well hope so!  
  
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my entry into the worst fic competition.  
  
How'd I do?  
  
Is it bad enough for ya?  
  
Till the next time, when I should hopefully be posting something a little more sensible.  
  
Darkness 


End file.
